i hope push ups and a ton of orange juice gets rid of chlamydia
i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
Forever 21 now has a maternity line. Even more of an incentive for me to get pregnant at a young age.
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
Law school has no idea what kind of prospect they have coming in. I just convinced a cop not to take me to jail by asking him if he really felt like cleaning puke out of his car tonight.
well one of us has to be wrong and it's not going to be me
You came into my room and started rubbing a banana on your face.
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
He was gunna drive a half hour for a makeout sesh. Time to take the diapers off and learn about the wonders of the penis, dude
Apparently 24 hr fitness frowns upon the ingestion of psychedelics on its premises, don't see that in the sign up contract.
When you wake up to a porn star on your couch telling you, you better tell your boyfriend about last night.
I'm to the point where I just want to get back at him in a hot man sex tornado way.
I made out with a 40 year old and told her we were dating then got kicked out of a gay bar. This is the day I stop drinking.
its 11:20. i'm drunk in class flying paper airplanes for my final. what the fuck is my college experience right now?
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