Poopin on the sidewaaalllkkk. I wish my text told you that was a song
dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
Is today national text-a-girl-whose-had-your-dick-in-her-mouth day and I just wasn't aware?? I am getting the most random "just saying hey" texts ever and that's the only common denominator.
It's a line of coke at 10 a.m. kind of Saturday. Don't be a pussy about life.
Lesbian chick is doing her presentation on the time she woke up on the dockside still drunk at 7 am. This is why I show up to chinese class.
you know, even black out drunk I can always remember the exact point where I should have stopped drinking.
I'll try not to. I have an appointment at the hospital tomorrow so my goal is to wake up there.
No, you always delete them without reading. Enjoy the virtue of morning innocence. What are you doing today.
I bought him bourbon as a thank you for his apology. What is wrong with me?
Phone sex soon? I mean date. Sex date. Date phone.
all 3? possibly?
I think I'm up to the challenge.
When a bartender remarks "wow" on how quickly you've finished a drink... Is that good or bad?
Omg yes! I just found a random muffin! Don't question it. Just praise the miracle.
I spy something regrettable...
Oh my god. Stop!! It was one time and I still can't believe it.
I hooked up with a guy that had a beard last night felt like I was building a fucken log cabin
She was drunk running in the middle of the street when a cop saw her,picked her up and dropped her off at her house. This really doesn't surprise me.
Randomize
