my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
That explains waking up with one hand in the toilet and the other in the trash can
i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
It's not fair. Guys with dicks that huge should not be allowed to be catholic.
He's been grabbing my ass as a greeting since 2004, sex was overdue
It's nice to see a girl prepared for the walk of shame. She brought headphones
You didn't know it was a gay bar until the 7th guy rejected you. You were crying because you thought it was just a bad night. No more for you.
Lets go see if some hobos will give us a prostate massage for a 40 ounce.
Ask me who hasn't showered since Sunday and just got cruised at the gas station on his way to work. I'm a terrible gay.
Don’t fucking talk to that dude from monday!! Ethical consumption dude, don’t fuck shitty guys
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
So...I'm pretty sure I have officially determined that reverse cowgirl is the only position possible to have sex in my smart four two
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