you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
They high fived mid Eiffel Tower, then we all proceeded to talk about how our friendship is much stronger now. I'd say a successful first threesome.
Snorting lines of xanex off the back of my grandparents toilet before church. Thinking of u.
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
Last time we had a party like that I woke up naked on the pool table with a chalk outline around me and a empty bottle of jager duct taped to my hand.
Yea. I'm excited about this party too
I ripped my favorite jeans crossing that fence
That sucks
It's an upgrade! I didn;t even have to unzip my pants to pee!
Dude random question. Where you with me when the vulture got electrocuted from the power lines and fell on the sidewalk in front of us?
That is romantic
Well sometimes you just gotta put your dicks and pizzas together to show you care
well he said my boobs made him believe in love at first sight so that's cool
His baby mama found the pictures of us, she couldn't see my face but she could see my asshole. So I'm safe.
I love how my parents bring water bottles filled with vodka on family trips
It’s awful. They need to open the bars. I’m now trolling grocery stores looking for dick
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