Just dominated the men's bathroom at work. Sounded like the intro of a death metal song.
My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
He somehow managed to bang-mail me last night. I woke up this morning to a voicemail from 1:54 a.m. of moaning and screaming. I now know how talented he is and how annoying I am to have sex with.
He pulled a potato out of his bag in the library. A WHOLE FRIGGIN POTATO. He ate it like it was an apple and waved at the librarian as she stared at him.
what part of what i said meant "bring a bowl"
"bouncy castle"
At least I cut out the pieces of your hair where I braided gum into it last night. Thank me later.
Dude, she doesn't even live here... She just can't eat all our food and masturbate on my dog's couch...
are you just sitting in your hotel room drinking popsicle vodka?
.....well anything sounds bad when you say it like THAT
Oh my god, it's like someone broke the off button in my butthole
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
I have photo proof.
Girl, don't care. What's my rule? If I don't remember it, it never happened.
Just got caught by my boss looking at porn on the work computer & he decided to utilize this time to look with me. Not sure if this is good or bad.
You make me want to do things that I'm pretty sure are illegal.
Randomize
