Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
Marg and I just meaowed the nat anthem. I was tenor.
'm tripping baaaaaaaaaaaaaaas
My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
There was blood everywhere. She was pretty good looking person though.
Ohh man do you know how awkward it is to keep eye contact and have a normal conversation with someone while their hand is in your vagina?
Ps, did you know if you google "drunk jenga", you're the first image that shows up?
Well I tried to call you. I was convinced my body was made of wood. But the Xmas lights in my room helped
WHY AM I THE ONLY ONE CONCERNED ABOUT THE SEAGULL IN THE OVEN
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I was just trying to be a good friend but in retrospect I probably shouldn't have pepper sprayed you.
Sorry about my life...
You were cussing me out in sign language, and slurring your signs.
That's some kind of record drunk there...
Is it sad the checkout lady had to inform my mom she can't buy alcohol before 8am?
I’m mid 4sum and you’re sending me photos of your cat. We had very different evenings.
Did you at least know who's jizz it was?
That is questionable.
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