I hope his life after cheating on me is as good as Tiger's golf game is these days.
my favorite part of the night was when I was in the bathroom frantically trying to get my cat whiskers and nose off to make hooking up less awkward
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
My meds have diminished my sex drive, this must be what regular women feel like
Last night you found an onion ring in your fries and then you started singing "A Moment like this"
So lets not base feelings on vagina tingles
I discovered a new stretch mark. DONE. LITERALLY DONE.
We dated for a month and a half. he didn't like blow jobs. I honestly don't think he was human.
I don't get a "my roommate is fucking you" discount?!
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
The party bus is stocked with 5 hour energies and beer and someone handing out adderall. Best. Wedding. Ever.
NOT PREGNANT HIGH FIVE!
Omg I should get on tinder just to get some edibles in town
We told him to puke in the Denny's parking lot or we wouldn't be his friend anymore. So he did. He wasn't even drunk.
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
Randomize
