rolled in at 7am w/ 2 girls i met at the strip club. my neighbor was getting up to mow the lawn before he took his kids to school. i'm 31. he's younger. if given the chance, you think he'd want to switch places?
Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.
Don't worry we didnt bang. Sometimes I just bring guys home so I don't order pizza.
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
I decided I'm going to give him a celebratory fuck for his accomplishments. Knocked on his door, handed him some condoms and said "I'll be over tonight with sex and booze"
I want to be you.
I hope you realize that its not me making that decision, but rather the combination of my genitals and sexual orientation
Duuuude someone spilled hot sauce all over the floor and trailing outside wtf
OH GOD IT'S BLOOD. THIS IS ALOT OF BLOOD.
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
So I can officially say that someone has licked whipped cream off my nipples. Go senior year
I'n not even sure we went out, but I know we broke into a cemetery.
If she gets mad at me, that only means more free time for me. I like to put myself I win win situations. Despite being in a relationship, I still find ways to accomplish my goals.
How drunk is too drunk to be on an airplane?
i woke up on the floor in front of the fireplace and my last google search was "fuck sponges"
Randomize
