I was about to buy asher roth's album and then i realized he was a ginger. can't support
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
Why is there a shirtless guy in Walgreens and why is he probably looking for the same thing I am?
Also we decided you're the person whose going to die at my bachelor party...do the math you're the most logical choice
so he woke up after being passed out and yelled that he had brought back moon rocks for everybody...
Best part: she drunkenly told me I'm dangerous then slurred to my parents that I should watch out in case I fall in love with her. Then she mounted a pinata
I feel like we should actually go to church one of these days to thank god for saving us from herpes and babies.
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
Are you good with a knife? I need someone to perform amateur surgery.
Like who needs a job and family when you can get drunk for free with strippers?
Snow days are when you really appreciate that your neighbor is on your bang roster.
I'm not a whore anymore. I gave up 90% of my women for you. I'm a 4-5 woman kind of guy now.
Am I the only person in the world that does not give a shit about the avengers?
I almost suffocated in that mask but she kept calling me Jeremy so I kept it on.
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