i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
i want to fuck
?
it's pretty self explanatory
just won a stolen shopping cart in a dance off in a parking lot.
Drunk and had dance off with 8 year old. Lost. Still drinking
No He hasn't done that since the time he came in his own eye
I feel like the way you told me you weren't pregnant was pretty anticlimactic.
Wait... All I had to do was ask for a sandwich and you would have come over
I was afraid she wouldn't be able keep up but I woke up in a bathtub, she called me a pussy and made me pancakes.
I guess I was blacked out I hopped a fence and hugged a cow that night.
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
6 showers laters and I still feel like I have his vomit in my vagina. At least I could help him figure out he's gay.
FUCK YOU IM DRINKING WINE FROM A BOX
You okay there or need a ride? Maybe a straw for your box
Maybe a straw...
He got me to hold his phone, wallet, keys and pants while he hooked up with another girl.
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
Randomize
