My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
My mom and I were trying to explain to my sister what an uncircumcised penis looks like. We had some minor disagreements.
Idk how hard you fucked her, but you managed to leave permanent ass prints on my tempurpedic mattress.
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
There's a good chance a guy sucked off my right earring last night
Pretty sure I'm taking the break up well. Alcohol made me okay with it and drugs keep me agreeing with why I dumped him in the first place.
Oh by the way, john gave me your shirt to return to you when I was at work today. I almost gave him his girlfriends underwear to return to her but figured it would be inappropriate.
I still can't believe he came down from his hiding place in the tree voluntarily because he didn't want us to have to talk to the cops alone...
Might be time to reevaluate my life. Banned from red roofs inns. Apparently I puked in ice machine. 3 hotels in a year.
I don't know how I'm going to know it's her, I only know what she looks like with a wig on
SHE COULD ALREADY BE HERE AND I WOULDN'T EVEN KNOW
I saved a note for myself but all it said was "am I a slutty Holden Caulfield?"
KY in my mouth and throat does not a party make.
I deleted all traces of him from my phone
even the dick picks he sent you?
no are you nuts? saved that shit to my camera roll
I smell like Dick and happiness
Shelly has the weirdest luck. Dude offered her a job riding a bucking bronco and it was not porn or stripping but an actual g-d cow.
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