I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
went from writing my paper to watching obamas speech to crushing beers and singing springsteen in a crowd of 100 within 20 minutes. I love this country
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
This weekend i learned three things 1) skittles in vodka is good 2) it takes more than a roll of quarters to get a cab home 3) never tell a bartender to give you your change in actual change
Is there a special protocol when the stripper has a Boba Fett tattoo?
I've been called an asshole for a lot of things in my life, but I never thought it would be because of potatoes
I've spent my afternoon dipping strawberries in DayQuil if that's any indication of where I'm at in life.
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
It's situations like these that make me climb out of windows
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
You were throwing up into a trash can full of used condoms. I had to intervine.
What does it mean when the government shuts down and your boyfriends wife wants a divorce ON YOUR BIRTHDAY?
Should I be concerned that he called me mom when I got in bed on top of him?
He’s basically a sexual superhero. A mild mannered marketing intern by day, but a very horny 22 year old with pornstar stamina at nights!
Randomize
