the ***** family is living proof that there are no more lifeguards in the humen gene pool
seems the shocker is way more shocking if u get the fingers wrong
i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
Hairspray is covering 85% of my body. Help.
Wait until you see the roof.
I woke on the floor next to a big TV. Apparently I traded my bed for a 52 inch samsung and a box of pop tarts.
They had to restock the bar 3 times before midnight. There is a bridesmaid dress hanging in a tree outside.
I sent him a picture of my boobs instead of saying good morning. I'm trying to tell him how I feel in a language he'll understand.
High me just had to pick the lock on my sisters room because I locked my vodka in there. I love vacation.
By 11 pm the pants were off and there was no turning back. But on the bright side, you promised me your CDs when you died, you even signed a napkin saying so.
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
Will you remind me I changed my hotspot phone password to fuckyouprivilegedwhitedude
He's coming over again? GIRL, you're thoroughly enjoying the month of Dicktember.
Dude mama brought home the bacon, i got his HBO account i guess that makes up for his by par skills in bed.
I'm so drunk and angry about the Michigan game the fact of my relationship being over doesn't matter
i feel like if we ever had babies together they would just be drunk all the time
Randomize
