That explains waking up with one hand in the toilet and the other in the trash can
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
i wish there was a photo editing effect that fully opened my drunk eyes
If I have to go to the hospital can we stop by the liquor store on the way?
Your excessive judging is making this uncomfortable
Well sundance is in town and Im going to use my one and only shot to bang Taylor swift... Does it count as a random if shes famous?
Don't worry, I'm preparing for tonight by lining my purse with a garbage bag.
We're just Facebook friends. Use guy logic. I tapped your wife in high school, 20 years and 60 lbs ago, when she was hot and experimental. Why would I mess with that now? It would ruin the vivid memories of her that I keep in my spank bank.
I will find you...
Trying not to look at her chest is like trying to not hear a fire engine racing by.
Just accidentally flashed my junk to the lady helping me try on suits, it was cold in there, I don't think she was impressed.
I would use the term shit faced but I'm too polite for that
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
As a friend tho, you have the biggest dick I've ever seen
I just lived through a real life episode of jersey shore.
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
Randomize
