Balls are like the throw pillows of the penis
franzia sundays are my new favorite holiday
Dude they have your information. Come back. The sheriffs office is here, they are pissed..please come back otherwise jail is inevitable. Call me
If it was designed to hold water, it was designer to hold wine
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
Way to ruin everything
I am drinking jager with a cat, your argument is invalid
just won 200$ from the school for "liking" the anti-alcohol seminar. putting it to good use
how?
not even kidding, my fake id is arriving in 6-8 business days
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
I don't think you should be sorry for such memorable sex that I yell your name when you aren't around.
If I don't have tequila in my hand soon, I'm going to have to violate human rights laws
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
In case you were wondering I realized something last night, Rick James was correct. Cocaine is a hell of a drug.
Randomize
