If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
is wine microwaveable?
LA Sucks. The only way i can get laid is if i tell people im at a law firm that represent film producers.
And when they figure it out, they act like IM shallow.
at least he left the skimmer on the side of the pool so i could fish out my thong in the morning
I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
I just threw up in a patch of wild flowers on the side of the road. I never knew rock bottom was so beautiful.
Two people in the coffee shop I'm at are on a date and talking about how acid has affected them and the girl just mentioned meth. Fuck studying, this just got interesting.
I wonder if you can snort coke upside down
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
After last night I think its official. Deep down, we like alcohol more than we like women.
I told people at my moms bar that all I needed to sober up was to get my asshole licked, and I blame you 110%.
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
See and now you're talking. I am like the fairy godmother of hook ups.
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
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