Honey, If i waited till marriage I wouldnt know what a dick tasted like.
some guy just got out of his chair quietly. Laid down on the floor and is now asleep in between rows in my lecture hall. He must have had a rough night.
At barnes & noble, drinking beer out of thermoses, lookin legit.
once my pubes got caught on her snaggletooth it was all downhill from there
you are my new fav person for making him do the walk of shame in pink footie pajamas!
One person in the car. Three blizzards. Alot of judging.
I woke up in a place I've never been before, with people I've never met before using me as a table for domino's.
If I have to masturbate more than twice a week you fail as a fuck buddy. Just so you know...................you failed
My dad is so drunk he attempted to ride my two year old cousin's tricycle. For a solid five minutes.
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
So apparently it wasn't anything really bad, it's hemorrhoids. Which is the medical word for butthurt. I actually have ass ointment.
lol hangovers are for mortals.
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
Be there in a sec. We have to stop at Target to buy her underwear first.
Alcohol and I aren't friends right now.
Randomize
