Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
Ugh, here's a dating tip. Hairy legs are a major turn off
Chicago was legit, ate some badass pizza and gave a cig to a crackhead..its all i thought it would be
It's like the only way I know how to apologize is by giving a blow job.
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
My dream of liquor pitchers came true
I said you have to fuck the german guy and take one for the team...it's a once in a lifetime opportunity you know.
I just farted and its sounded like it was disappointed in me.
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
I just had to explain to an 70+ year old lady what 'coitus' was. This was not in my job description.
Cant leave im designed bacon maker you come here
Hey, it's Valentine's Day weekend and were single and off our periods. Let's live like queens.
He seemed genuinely disappointed when I told him I wasn't going to make out with him to Bring Me To Life by Evanescence so I feel like I've pinpointed the breaking point of this relationship
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
I always know im high when I can't remember how to pee.
Randomize
