well you can't waste a boner
look to my right... shes dancing like she's playing dance dance revolution and her character is a retarded, drunken moose
You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
I'm walking down the halls of our hotel and listening for sex noises and knocking when I do.
So apparently I shook her hand very polite, said weiner and walked away
I'm eating dry tortillas on a mattress without a sheet. and i thought my life would change after graduation.
I already ran out of vodka but I have more beer. I just ran naked into the high school party down the street as took all theirs. ...figured no one wants to tackle the naked guy..
Gave him an awesome blow job on his living room couch last night, so at least he'll have something nice to think about next time he's watching the Tigers lose.
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
Oh Julie took your pants off last night, I put your pajama bottoms on, and Rachel took your bra off. It takes a village.
I think were only still together so we can make each other miserable
I did cocaine with my cab driver all night. It was the best date.
I noticed it at one point and thought do I really wanna bang the guy with the phone holster .....of course I do
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
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