Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
I was 10 minutes late leaving for lunch today because I couldn't lose a boner. It is impossible to tuck it when your shirt is tucked in...gotta quit facebook stalking hot chicks at work
We pinky-swore to never fuck each other again.
Well the pizza delivery man was either startled or incredibly intrigued to see me skateboarding in the living room by myself at 1 in the morning in ripped pantyhose
I wish I could rewind to my 8th birthday instead. I wanna wake up, eat as much cake as I want, and have a Transformers birthday party without someone judging me.
She's "threw gas on the fire to put it out" drunk. Come retrieve ur gf. Ps she smells like burnt hair
I can't in good conscience help you bag a Catholic girl who isn't at least a 7.
Recycling day makes me feel more like an alcoholic than regular days.
No, no. The rest of his everything inspires me to put his dick in my mouth
I'm not pregnant. Security came before he could.
For once I am not in the mood. My vagina is good with life at the moment.
The apocalypse has arrived.
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
I just remembered I did the whole byebyebye dance at the bar
i'm gonna friendzone myself so you dont have to
I have 2 voicemails from u last night. one of them is just 5 min of u saying "doodling"...
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