He was all up on my grill like I was having a BBQ. I DONT EVEN KNOW HOW TO USE A GRILL.
She had a bottle of NAIR in her bathroom, but she clearly hadn't been using it.
video games are the ultimate cock blocker
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
Seriously I just dipped a banana in vodka I really need to stop drinking
FALSE ALARM! I didn't piss myself, I fell asleep in the shower and then drunkingly crawled into my bed
Yeah I don't remember how I got home last night
Judging from my pants, I embarrassed myself smh
You're not married and none of these idiots are committing to you so whore it up on whore island
Can we go to pirate hooker whore island then
holy shit the yoga instructor bought his baby pig to class today
I made out with a 40 year old and told her we were dating then got kicked out of a gay bar. This is the day I stop drinking.
You claimed that someone else had vomited underneath you/on your hand
you were very insulted that we didn’t believe you that someone else vommed
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
he said to "slap him" after he guessed the time correctly. i did.
Randomize
