Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
Sometimes i look at the biltmore estate and wonder just how small George Vanderbilt's penis was...
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
He told me the color of his piss. Worst. First date. Ever.
Just woke up from a weed coma and found a stem in my bra. Rainy day success.
We tried to hook you up with a girl but you said you'd rather fuck the large muscular black man because "At least he'd be tight". He was the bouncer, he heard you.
The security deposit's gone, let's trash this motherfucker
I mean I puked all over three separate towns last night and I still think you're the one who should reevaluate their life.
Omg she's a human wrecking ball. I love it.
I am to reach this level of casual destruction.
That was a beautiful concert to sleep through ...
I know - Don't let me take drugs from strangers anymore
its a recording of you guys having sex?!
its actually 30 minutes of him begging and then 2 minutes of sex.
Randomize
