Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
but, i was nude. you really should respect my stupidity and delete them. please.
they have a walk of shame score keeper on their fridge. I marked my tally for him on my way out..
I was sleeping on the bathroom floor and thought a wet towel might keep me warm.
Were you really trying to feed me potato chips while I was sitting on the toilet?
Your doorknob is in my back seat, in case you were looking for it.
Ok, Jen and I are going out tonight and getting rowdy. I think you and Steph need to come. I understand if you can't, but not going out means you're automatically obligated to post bail. If necessary.
Beer pong consisted of me throwing a ball at the wall and then falling over because moving my arm made me dizzy. I think our team lost.
Do what? I was just saying that at some point there's a chance I'll have a boner. Think of it like a guessing game. "Does he have one now?"
Let's fuck under the stars. And by under the stars I mean in my bed underneath my glow in the dark star stickers.
I mean really am I setting up a snapchat when I'm 40 so I can send nudes to my 23 yr old bf? yes, yes I am. Where is my life heading.
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
Dude, someone puked in my washing machine last night, I tried turning it on to clean it...not a good idea
we live vicariously through your huge boobs
If I'm getting through this pandemic I'm doing it drunk.
Randomize
