Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
LETS GO REDSKINS!
Quit drinking and watching your DVR, it's wednesday.
is it sad that i think every plant i pass on the highway looks like a plant from farmville?
i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
She's hidden vodka up her skirt and is riding a parking meter. Things can only get better
Imagine the time you most wanted to kill yourself. Now add a room full of jail bait and no booze. Multiply that by a million.
Bren left me with a lovely parting gift. Newfouund alcoholism. I'm on the kitchen floor, hugging a bottle of vodka. It's my only friend now.
Dear god how many nuts did u bust in me my vagina feels like a bowl of jello.
So are you actually going to come fuck me in the ass this weekend, or was that just you being drunk in a kilt?
grandma made pot brownies .. oh god bless us everyone
My eczema on my back is flaring up so he rubbed coconut oil on it while we were boning down. If that's not a picture of 8 years married I dunno what is.
Have you ever been so high that you felt like corduroy? I'm at that level.
Did you get your nipples pierced? I felt something poking through my shirt earlier and I really didn't want to say anything in front of your grandma...
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
Do not tell me I cant do drunk math ever again, AND I made a creative way of telling him I want him to fuck me.
Randomize
