Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
I got otter pops to cool the beers, it's an all around better idea.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
No period for spring break; use this wisely.
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
the cops were hovering over him then shinned a flashlight to the floor above ours, then I realized that some fucker jumped from the third story.
fuck our hall.
Did i mention i'm like the equivilent of a prepubescent boy suffering from preejaculacy? I just about creamed my pants when he grabbed my hand..
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I once puked on the side of the hwy driving home and it somehow made me feel more Canadian. So don't rule it out
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
Instead of getting a taxi some gay black guy drove us home. He is trying to break into the taxi business
Way to promote small business.
You also hate cartoons and musicals, so I will take that to mean the movie was as awesome as I thought it was..smoke weed
woke up to find i out made out with his roommate before hooking up with him. breakfast was awkward to say the least
You grabbed your house keys, threw them at the door and asked, "did it open?"
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