New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
your dick doesn't do me any good in arizona
The world would be so much better with thought bubbles.
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
He walked in AS I was cumming. Now even my father knows I'm a squirter.
Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge.
What?
Just dont open the beer drawer.
i mean i should have known that when i started taking shots with my zumba instructor i was in for a rough night...
Just asked the bartender if I could use the register to see my grades.
You were like pukeahontas last night, you tried to tell us you were okay, then you puked in the garden.
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
Are you okay?
I went home with a 38 year old guy in a kilt, do I look okay!
my roommate woke me up with head. more awkward than it sounds.
Mom is talking about dicks with her friends in the living room. I am 5 seconds away from scaling the bathroom window out of here.
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
Randomize
