My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
Even if he doesn't call, at least I can say i fucked a mascot.
dude. how can brian from family drink at fucking bars? he's a dog and definitaly doesn't have pockets.
yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
Dude shes not that fat. Plus, last night I probably would've done it too.
Going to a professional golf course at 2am to throw the flag poles like javelins
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
I spilled beer everywhere which led to an oil fire and me melting a spatula again. And then I was late to class so I explained what happened to the teacher.
The 78 year old woman who works next to me divorced her ex husband, remarried her first husband, and retired all in one day. I'd say it makes your breakup on Valentine's day pretty insignificant.
This late night dumpster diving sesh is making my quads cramp up
So you think Jesus would be proud of me for walking of shame into my apartment 10 minutes before I told my parents I'd be over for Easter?
I came so hard my entire leg seized. Her blowjob gave me a Charlie horse.
Can I come over?
Sorry I gave up dick for lent. Hit me up on Good Friday tho
oh.. my GOD my dad just text me... "i need a naked women" ........... help?
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