well I can't set my house on fire every night
She ordered a salad and a budweiser. I love her.
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
you kept yelling at her to "show me your genitals" until the bouncers told us to leave...at which point you showed them YOUR genitals...
please don't ever take me to a strip club again...
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Pass out mid-funnel last night.
sometimes i wish i had boobs. not on me. just like in a drawer.
I think I reached optimum potential when I summersaulted straight into a kiddie pool.
No, earlier you attempted Jenga with everyones shoes.
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
2nd fun fact: he has a square tan line around his dick.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He's moaning and crying and coughing up something audibly liquid. I can't live in this house any more.
Also, don't forget your plan to die young at a shrooms-fueled orgy.
I can already feel the hangover I'll be having on New Year's Day. I don't know if I'm prepared for this.
how I know last night was a good night: this morning I found a bottle of tapatio, a bag of chicken and a bag of popcorn in my purse.
We were making eye contact while i was throwing up.
Tanner. All u drink. 10 bckaa. Locked in Porto potty outside. Constructed area. Main strrrreeeett. Fuck. Help. Pleese
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