one should ask oneself what kind of lifestyle one is leading when one finds a handprint of semen on their pillow the next day.
how do you have sooo much energy?
billy mays threw in a lil somethin extra when i ordered some oxiclean last week
I just gave my whole company pinkeye. How's that for a summer intern's lasting impression? BOOYAHH
Guy at red light looking at porn. I'm waiting for him to look over at me so I can shake my head and he can feel bad
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
hahahahaha your sister just walked down from the guest house with a stain on the front of her shirt and "owned" written in blue sharpie on her forehead. i dont think she knows what happened last night either.
I don't really want to explain to you right now but i just ate laundry detergent
You slept with a red coat way too close to independence day. It's just very unpatriotic.
So I managed to get the bitch who has been copying off me all semester in History to copy the names of Pokemon towns off my test.
Theres a high probability there will be two hot men waiting on you in your bed when you get home for lunch.
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
Look at the picture I MADE him take with me...like why??? He's holding my foot?
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
I mean I've only met the girl once and she was trying to slit some guys tires.
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