Things overheard in WeHo: "Just drink a corona and eat some ass, you won't be hungry anymore"
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
I found him in bed on a pullout couch with another dude. He had two empty puke buckets and his empty bottle of jagermeister right by his head.
I met her at the quidditch match. She was the snitch and I caught her. After at the bar she walked up grabbed my hand and said snitches have flesh memories.
Heres a quick tip! When getting black out head from your girlfriend dont come to and say "wait... wheres my girlfriend"
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
So I guess I bought a cat last night. Fuuuccckkk.
YOU TRIED TO SWIM IN HER FISHTANK. I don't think she's going to call you.
I stole a tiki torch last night and just returned it. Things have been better.
I shaved an Xmas tree into my junk.... I placed your present underneath.
OMG he dropped his pants for me. Granted it was to show me where he got stabbed but still...
I just delete my bank app from my phone to have enough storage to download tindr. Is this my life now?
he just fucked me for my cheese..
If I had your ass I would rule the world
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