"you've got the devil in yuh. the curse of Jesus is coming on your sex soon." That's what a homeless guy just told me.
We were making out when she went into convulsions. At least now I know she's allergic to peanuts.
i got us a cheese tray and a bottle of whiskey
ugh yes i love our date nights
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.
Florida has a way of just fucking with a person's soul and jizzing all over their hopes and dreams. Like existential bukkake.
Within the span of 10 minutes, I managed to make a slip 'n slide on his stomach, threatened to pee on him, kneed myself in the eye, and almost fell asleep on the toilet....in that order.
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
After we finished having phone sex he proceeded to serenade me with Ave Maria. It was magical.
Well, my mom found the ball gag and whip. Looks like I'm never going home again.
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
I grabbed the pretzel bag with my toes last night. I think that day of yoga had paid off.
Woke up in the hospital naked with my id's taped to my chest. Also apparently puked on two guys, two girls and an escalade (at the same time). Good night.
God dammit everything I said last night about jungle juice being awesome just does not carry over into the next day
So um... You probably shouldn't post that picture of me and your crotch just because that's a new level of raunchiness that I'm not willing to accept yet
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