Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
then i got kicked out of the bar for trying to pay my $30 bar tab in sacajawea dollar coins
Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
there's something so ridiculous to me about watching someone with glasses exercising. it's like watching a whore studying in the library. stop trying to be someone you're not.
She was about to go down when you guys iced me. Thanks bro
This titty bar has wifi. I just did FaceTime stage side
Europe's "the final countdown" was playing. It was pretty much amnesty for anything that might happen the rest of the night. It's a rule.
So drunk I thought the door was feeling me up for a seconds
I have bits of ceiling fan all over now
I just realized I'm having shark week, during shark week.
Last night you were prentending to be a broom stick...you were laying on the floor and humming the Harry potter song.
Even if they did assume we were doing kinky shit, it's not like they're gonna be like, "HALT SATAN! INTAKE SOME JESUS AND VOMIT YOUR SINS!"
I knew the bike rally would be fun when I saw "male pole dancing" on the schedule
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
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