My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
if by 'bottleservice' you mean 'bringing beers in my purse' then yes, we are.
Random fact of the day: cum is a really good eye makeup remover
In class ... We were just assigned groups for the quarter... Remember that night we took shots from that guys pants? I now know his name
So. She dumped me today.
Well, maybe you shouldn't have referred to going down on her as "Dumpster-Diving".
He smashed a plastic chair leg on a tree stump, threw himself into the side of our metal enclosure, stomped on the wreckage for a bit and then punched the fire.
And by "schedule" I meant crumbled up liquor store receipt, that I wrote shit on.
we gave you a glass of water and you just started yelling: TWO STRAWS, PATS AN ENGINEER HE'LL FIGURE IT OUT
Well yeah connect the two together, then you can lay down and drink.
Almost ran over girl selling candy bars for charity. Pretty much obligated to buy at that point.
Fuck man, my Dad's been single so long I get him a year's sub to a porn site every year for for Father's Day
I'm only wearing socks and eating tuna, don't do this to me right now.
I just want to order a very large pizza and get very drunk and very laid.
...and with one comment dissing Hannibal Lecter, I suddenly understood why we never worked out.
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
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