I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
How long can I microwave pasta with a 20 percent alcohol content?
She cut off the top of a watermelon and is now eating it with a spoon. She's more than half done.
Can you please tell him to stop calling me ma'am? I'm starting to remember what it's like to have self respect
I had a dream I gave a blow job to a guy whose dick forked off into two. I'm going to spend the rest of my life confused.
That hot shower felt like it washed away all of my problems... Except being pregnant... Ps just found out I'm pregnant. Fuck.
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
Well that's what you get for messing around with her vagina. I told you it was a fickle and insatiable creature.
I can't ever look his wife in the eye again. She will see right through my soul to his dick pic.
He interrupted me giving him head to ask if I were hungry, because he wanted to eat pizza. Wtf.
Just did body shot off a midget. Pretty good start.
I'm hosting my annual valentine's day party tomorrow with every hookup I've ever had. thoughts on how it will turn out ??
Having random cyber sex while watching to catch a predator just seems wrong.
And you tried to get me to have sex with you in our Harry potter closet lol
Randomize
