Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
I mean I woke up wearing my bathing suit which blows my mind
I wish they had an "I'm Stoned" genre on online Netflix
Not a single person will look me in the eye. Last night must've been bad.
i just got on a party bus. i think i left my belly button at the bar.
I got concerned once i realized you weren't there to hear us having sex. See I do worry about you.
Dude she pregamed for her sorority's philanthropy.
It must have been an amazing night, I have "my pants are responsible people" written on my pants in permanent marker.
No longer is one of my lifelong dreams to ride in a kangaroo pouch. You have eternally ruined that for me. Thank you.
I just hit on a guy in a doughnut store... is that too suggestive?
Come on there are only so many drink coaster sizes nipples in the world
For the sake of being nice I congratulated her and she replied with something along the lines of that I need to stay away from him and not touch him ever. I really wanted to be like "been there, done that" but my New Years resolution was to not start any cat fight over boys with small dicks before noon
If you're doing something that makes your best friend lock you in a bathroom you shouldn't be doing it
Randomize
