there are seriously like six guinea pigs in my bathtub right now
my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
I was so drunk that I didn't realize he was staying at the Waldorf. I walk of shamed the Astoria, do you even know what this means?
He grabbed onto my boobs while slipping on ice then proceeded to drag me down with him I'm not predicting head in his future
why is there an outline of nathan's body on my wall in whip cream?
Yup, totally tried cooking bacon in the dryer last night.
I feel like I just tasted lung cancer.
I'm on a mission. But just to make out with him so his relationship collapses and he is single when I come back in April.
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
YOU WORK IN THE US CAPITOL! YOU CANNOT HAVE SEX IN THE BATHROOM!!
Dude, you are totally ruining intern season for me...
I think my sex life is about to turn into a war on two fronts
A to Z: fucking your way through the alphabet
It'll be a kids book
He sends me the same inspirational quote quotos that my grandma does. I no longer want to tap that.
Randomize
