I am watching the symphony and have decided that violin players probably give really good hand jobs.
He made off the wall shots in beer pong, stuck the girls dog in a cooler, and played with swords with her mom. I wish I got his name
Last time I get high to write a paper the night before it's due. "Tiny Wings and sexuality" is not an acceptable topic to for a paper. Class in 30 minutes. I'm fucked...
You kept running up to random groups of people and saying "I'm a Dallas Cowboy Cheerleader so we all have to chug our drinks!" and they all listened to you.
hey give me heads up if you're feeling vulnerable tomorrow night
Russian roulette. Between salvia and weed. You in?
FUCK YOU MAN
The things I do for you. Not that I'm unhappy about it. I'm just saying you should love me.
Did you sleep with him again?
No! I just led him to believe that I would if he gets me booze. Do I have that little class that you have such minimal faith in me?
Also, if he asks how he's doing orally I can probably ask if we're exchanging Christmas presents?
I threw up in a pringles can. how do you think my night went.
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
I was trying to drink every time they said planned parenthood but my body isn't cut out for this.
He bedazzled a shirt for me that said "best head giver" should I be thankful for the gift or concerned that he has a bedazzler?
You walked in on us hooking up, hugged me, high fived him and unhooked my bra.. You claimed to be helping
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
Get your heels and tits on! I’m not wasting a Brazilian because his fucking kid ate paste or Legos and ruined an afternoon suite sex and room service
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