I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
FUUUUUCK she froze all my quaters inside the ice cubes again
1.) where are you? 2.) you making meatballs? 3.) Meatballs for sex?
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
I'm having a really difficult time dealing with the fact that my dog now shares a name with Snooki's crotch-spawn.
I'm laying in bed listening to Purple Rain on repeat. If you wanna bone, come up, but if not, at least Prince understands me.
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
Omg. I'm making you a chocolate and "herb" birthday cake and using joints for candles. I'm gunna need moms help with this!
Antibacterial soap and prayers does not for spermicide make
all I know is this drummer better stop eye fucking me while he plays cowbell. it is way too early for that.
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
I may forget my underwear, but you can count on me for drugs and plan b
Woke up with a girls naked next to me I had her thong on somehow.
Cmon. I wasn't that bad.
You stumbled ass first into the litter box, and everytime we tried to get you to move you said " if I fits. I sits."
If hypothetically I needed to puke on the bus... how would I go about doing this.
Randomize
