wtf. i just found you're porn stash.
u like it?
NOT THE POINT.
just friend requested my arresting officer from last night. too soon??
watching my parents drink 4 loko out of usf cups playing pool and rocking out to ACDC...
Can I come live with you?
apparently i saved myself a memo last night titled "cake" and all it says is "i love it so much"
He legit asked if he could come over for a hug. I feel like I've been booty called by a 12 year old.
I'm giving great sideboob & it's being wasted on my parents.
Bryan's allergic to that cheap detergent, so he's been naked for three days. But we're all used to it now, so the party is still on.
Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry
Mom called last night while I was at the bar and asked where I was. I told her I was on the highway to the danger zone while the guys were humming the top gun theme.
I was angry that a college kid had a new Audi
so I peed on it
So it was all good until she started grabbing my beard and telling me to "roar little lion"
I just tried to pass the bowl to my dog for 2 minutes before I remembered she isn't human. It is 7:27 am.
At one point of the night i was standing at the bar and 3 of them had their hands down my pants, they were like thumb wrestling for it.
i'm not sure you can trust me in a car with 20 dozen donuts
Hey man, he's too drunk to remember what you said. What drugs are we buying and when should we expect them?
Randomize
