maybe we dont have boyfriends because we dont have tans
i always forget guys have bellybuttons
once my pubes got caught on her snaggletooth it was all downhill from there
Definitely just blazed with the housekeeper. That woman needs a raise
I resisted the temptation to hold the cake in one hand to alternate bites with the ruffles I was eating. I decided that might make me look dysfunctional.
This is just what we do. We meet guys, go back to their place, smoke all their weed & go home to compete in out own version of Cupcake Wars.
She said I'm so hungry I could eat a dick and winked at me
The alcohol just runs so smoothly thru my veins.
i dont know whats weirder. that i told him he stabbed me in my dream or that he told me i wasnt the first girl to tell him theyve been killed by him in a dream
I made out with a dude last night who has an ex wife. Is this what post grad life is about?
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
Drunk wound on my leg hast healed and neither has my dignity
Driving, getting head and talking to your boss on the phone is not a good combination. I nearly died
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
Randomize
