I'm eating dry tortillas on a mattress without a sheet. and i thought my life would change after graduation.
He's got a wife and three kids but I'm into being that mistake.
I'm by the dj to the left. Come get me now this girl is talking about baby names and I dnt even no hers
I can't see you
I'm the only one that's wearing a tarzan outfit get your ass over here you douche
That sad moment when you flush your Molly down the toilet at the airport & watch your vacation slowly end..
I AM NOT THE MAN IN THIS RELATIONSHIP.
It's shit like this that makes people think we're gay.
And now I have fucked a local celebrity so double free drinks at bars.
I was at the pharmacy picking up my herpes medication and the pharmacist asked if I had any questions about my medicine, looked at the bottle, and laughed. Insult to injury man.
He was watching porn and riding a stationary bike in the living room
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
Jesus when did you leave my house? I found 2 bottles of wine, vodka, and a book with blow all over it wondering if I was read bedtime stories
wtf guys I thought we agreed on no more knives. So much for not destroying the house
I did something very bad. More specifically, my boss.
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
I love when Facebook suggests people I may know. Well, yeah, I know him. He's my drug dealer. Pretty sure I want to keep that relationship strictly professional.
It was a successful conference for my sales and my sex life. Those are probably related
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