You screamed, "I am going to fuck this cheeseburger". They all started laughing until you actually started having sex with the cheeseburger.
She's never had brie before last night, don't know if I can date a girl that doesn't like soft cheeses.
I just threw up a christmastime peep. I am literally already sick of the holidays.
lets make a pact to never make a pregnancy pact
she wants me to meet her parents and she hasn't even met my penis yet.
Found my little brother jerking off with a condom. he said he was "practicing"
OMG its one we used last night
We'll probably be arrested for having a cheetah in our apartment anyway, so I say go for it.
somehow a sneeze triggered me puking over everyone in the car
My bruised ribs were so worth that win in beer pong
That was the apt with beer in the juice and the floor caving in. Don't go.
We were high as balls fucking in the back seat when we saw the blue lights. He's like, "I got this" and walked over butt ass naked and goes, "Sorry dude, we're just banging" and the cop apologized for disturbing us and drove off.
It takes a special kind of man to fart REALLY loudly right before entering a woman and still get some. This has been a state of bootytown address.
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
So my roommate just came out of the shower with a dude...guess that answers all questions as to whether or not he's gay
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
Randomize
