Do you think there's anyone left in this world that hasn't masturbated in a computer chair?
And her vagina tasted EXACTLY like a slim jim
I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
On another note, why did I wake up wrapped in bubble wrap. I can only assume it was for my own safety
I just did the math. It is, in fact, cheaper to go out drinking every weekend than it would be for me to pay for a legitimate therapist. What are you doing next Friday night?
Well, I'm at the grocery store wondering whether I exist or not.
you riverdanced for the cops while the rest ran away.
before the moonshine you were already braiding the bouncers beard -_-
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
He didn't even realize I was drunk. He probably just thought I loved Torchwood so much that I no longer knew how to use my thumbs
I'm on my way back with the wine... And a puppy. It was free.
we both turned hook ups into relationships we are crushing this thing called life right now.
You brought a jar of mayonnaise to bed. It doesn't get any worse than that.
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
