Do I give off a "I have a sex tape" vibe???
you were the first one he came out to and you announced it as the finale while singing karaoke at the bar
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
Why would vodka do this to me? I've always been loyal
Apparently I had an idea for a cooking show and then proceeded to throw cookies at people.
Drunk cheerio confetti may seem like a brilliant idea when your drunk, but believe me, the next day, its a horrible, horrible mess.
I'd like to thank you fucktards for dumping the WHOLE box of Tricuits in my bed after I passed out.
THIS ISN'T WORKING THIS IS THE DRUNK LEADING THE DRUNK
My mom opened up my bank statement today....my first alcohol intervention class is at 7:30am tomorrow.
I'll have party bus drop you off in the morning.
And think got sick again from going outside naked. Word to all females...don't try the naked trench coat thing.
I smoked that joint really fast and now I'm so high I'm crawling around on all 4 giving my dogs piggie back rides pretending its the macy day parade for dogs and I'm their giant human float.
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
Leaving Denver airport I just saw a group of young Republicans in matching green T-shirts that said "4/20 Baby!"
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
yeah true but how easily can you rip a scrotum
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