I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
U know those big foam mats in the back gym for track?
ya, gonna go have sex there?
No I want one to have wings and pick me up and take me home
Bel-fucking-mar, this place has more popped collars than a Hollister catalog
he said he didn't have a condom.
and you said?
that that's fine cause i was ready to be a mom. yeah - he magically had a condom he forgot about after that.
You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
Of course it was necessary for me to call the strip club and ask what their shower policy is. Smelled like she was wiping her ass with my eyebrows during that dollar dance.
PS: I just woke up from my shower
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
Lesson learned. Don't roleplay with a real knife.
Yeeah, I think a threesome is one of those wedding presents you can't register for at Bed Bath And Beyond..
I just had sex with the Sheriff's Deputy. You should call me.
falling asleep on a hardwood floor changes a person
Then you fell out of your chair, looked right at me and said, "You are sooo drunk."
Randomize
