I have a client coming in and there's a note that says she wants her hair to like Elisabeth Hasselback's from the view
that's Oklahoma for you
I saw those LARP guys in the street again. One is hot, the other looks like Corey Fieldman's retarded son.
Just took career test that listed librarian and bartender as top career choices. Fascinating.
Just realized after we're done pre-gaming for St. Patricks Day, we have March Madness, the first day of spring, and Easter to pre-game for. March is a great month.
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
Only time i ever look at my online banking statement is to see when i left the bar.
If we can only get laid once in a blue moon, apparently this will be our month.
He made me cum 7 times AND I nearly drowned him during that 69 in the back of a ford focus. Yeah I should get my gynocologist.
Drunk girl in a bikini just tried to bite my face, it's officially spring break
He threw me over his shoulder and carried me outside, all the while drinking from the bottle of rum he was holding, while my ex watched. I'm winning the break-up.
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
I know you saw me get knocked out after I stepped on that rake why did you leave me there
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
As a home can we vote to stab Peter?
At what point did i decide poptarts, nyquil, and whiskey was a good idea?
Randomize
