Just remembered I told my boss that matt used to make me toss his salad like every time we hooked up. Nice
this morning he rolled over looked at me and said "oooo, you look like i need a drink" and then put on his clothes and left without another word
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
we made out at a charity event. really i was helping the fight against aids...
mom found the triscuts in her underwear drawer, its done.
since when did our medecine drawer and our sex drawer become the same drawer? we now have lube covered cough drops.
Sorry for screaming that you were an apple in spanish at the bar last night, that was the wine talking
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
is that a sigh of girlish delight, or "sigh...I'm having a herpes outbreak'
Can't it be both?
well you don't shave your pubes into a handlebar mustache and keep the party to yourself
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
while giving me head, she stopped, looked up at me smiling and said "ill never be able to look at bananas the same way again" and then went back to work.
I passed up getting laid last night. It's almost been a YEAR - what the Hell was I thinking, being so choosy??
Accidentally made a bowl of macaroni and cheese with a bottle of vodka. It's not that bad
You think I could convince him that having sex with another girl isn't cheating?
Randomize
