broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
They let you pick the name that they announce for you at graduation. The professional world needs to prepare itself for papa smurf mcdonald.
Please tell me I did not ask the bartender how big his dick was.
He calls it "his noble steed" and i plan to ride it.
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
My whole family just stopped to look at me and aknowledge how fucked up I am.
There is a severe lack of banging on that itinerary... I'd like a revision on my desk within the hour
We tried to do sophisticated last night, but our low class kept shining through.
Hooked up with a straight guy while dressed as a man. I'm unstoppable.
Ultimate fat girl moment: I promised him my mouth for the night if he bought me a funnel cake..
You were petting a 40 year old man's moustache for 15 minutes
do I look like a person who has full control of their limbs and existence on this plane of reality
Bro you were on fire last night...like a less Irish version of Liam Neeson
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
Randomize
