I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
Well, I'm eating cake, watching wedding videos of people I don't know, and crying. Clearly I'm a vision of mental health today
He played a tape of his mad rapping skills after the final...his rapper name was Mad Stylz and he rapped about all the pussy he got in the 90's. I love Sociology.
So when you said you wanted to make a clay replica of my boobs and hang it above your bed you actually meant it?
I have a scary feeling my mom might switch her goals from finding me a husband in 2012 to sending me to rehab
Omg no. We ate a raw pumpkin last nighr. We dipped it in BBQ sauce.
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
Last night I said "I'm so glad you broke up with your lesbian soccer mom girlfriend" I don't remember how he reacted I just remember trying to pee in the woods
I just lectured my ex boyfriend on how to eat a girl out what has my life come to
How is someone going to pee on the floor two days in a row? Fuck this place.
We gotta locate my vibrators and get them stashed away STAT
My toothbrush tastes like captain morgan
I'm jealous
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
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