i cant even explain all the reasons why i dont want to fuck you right now.
im trying to catch a child molester. call you later.
I'm pretty sure God is rooting for me with this two gf thing
This could help me cancel out guys. First 4 that text me get to stay in the loop. And the last one gets the boot. We'll do this til there's only one man standing
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
This year i'm grateful for nothing other than the discovery that the uncircumcized rumors about him were wrong
I just puked behind a tree outside work, then walked past my manager with puke in my hair. Man, I'm gonna miss this when I get a real job.
I'm not pregnant. Security came before he could.
Life is so difficult sometimes. Can you imagine? Going through life, constantly creating boners everywhere you go.
I pulled you and a keg around in a wagon for like five hours and apparently everyone else remembers it but us.
The amount of dicks I have seen in the last hour is more than I have seen in my whole life.
i just called dibs on the taxi driver at the bar that isnt drinking. im a grown up
i black out too much to be "responsible"
I'm not gonna be naked if your not here. Thats like a waste of nakedness
I want to ride that like one of the Horsemen of the Apocalypse- with bourbon in hand and without mercy.
Randomize
