I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
then she made me sanitize my hands before fingering her...i may have found my soulmate
Hey its bob the builder. Where did you go?
i cleaned the weed out of my bowl, pretended it was a spoon and ate oatmeal with it. my mom cried
the beer staff turned into a beer spear way to quickly
I woke up in the ER. This living like theres no tomorrow really could mean theres no tomorrow.
Hold on I'm doing something revolutionary that blossomed from a high idea
Tonight just try not to threaten to pee on the hot guys buying us drinks....please..
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
Nothing says casual like stairwell bjs
possible new low: just washed a permanent marker penis off my cheek with porta-potty hand sanitizer.
also if this is gonna be a sample of how country jam will be, I might as well break up with him now. he spent the night blacked out and I could have been in a three-some.
you got to sleep with him and don't even remember it? that's like sleeping through an entire vacation
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
We were all day drunk by 2pm. Now I know why they hate Americans
I don't know why, but whenever I shave my balls I feel more aerodynamic.
Randomize
