I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
how was your night?
well, i just purchased 'sorry for being a drunk whore' cupcakes. how do you think my night was?
they started a semi-successful rumor that toby keith died. who says fraternities don't have goals
we couldnt tell if he was gay so we started working glee quotes into the conversation to see if he noticed.
my mom used to put diet coke in my bottle. i can pretty much handle anything.
I feel like a really awesome person when i have to check my roof for things i've lost
I'm sorry for throwing the cheese everywhere, but it wasn't my fault. No one was enforcing disipline so not really my fault for not behaving
Wheres my "thanks for using birth control effectively and not contributing to the downfall of society" card.
Eh, not fuck buddies. I prefer sexercise partner.
Periouds do not concern me. Biploogival needs are buological needs.
I thought that wasn't a thing ever since she showed you her vag on the dance floor
She's been with the dude for a week saying she's in love. Yeah so am I. I just opened this beer 5 minutes ago and I LOVE IT ALREADY.
So many people have told me I have great tits tonight, I'm unstoppable
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
I’m doing tequila shots with lesbians. This isn’t how I planned my night but I’m not complaining
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