so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
Walking home still drunk in snow. Snowflakes are my only hydration..Need moreee
He def has a gf... But hes 7 feet tall and that superceeds any morality I may have.
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He wouldn't let me go down on him. He stopped me and told me he was a giver.
Dude you ate toast sprawled out on my kitchen floor and said "this is comfy". No more day drinking.
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
My love will cover her like lulu lemon yoga pants. Casually supportive and always complimenting your Ass.
i was talking to them for like 5 mins and they were like HEY LETS GET A PICTURE and tequila said it was good idea
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Do you want the fat one with an ok face or the skinny ugly one?
It doesn't matter as long as our shame is in tandem.
Fucking that physical therapist guy was the best decision I ever made.
so as he was cumming he sort of growled with one eye squinted... for a moment there I thought I was fucking Popeye
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
I'll just go on tinder. Seeking strong male to help take apart ikea furniture and move. I'll touch your dick.
I came home in someone else's underwear this morning
Atleast you got a souvenir
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