My niece just unknowingly cock blocked me. Obviously, someone won't be getting a christmas present this year.
i don't know at this point bringing the fog horn might be a good idea...
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
In case you were wondering, taking me to see beauty and the beast in theaters would totally get you an unsolicited sloppy beej in the parking lot afterwards.
You should probably take note of that and make it happen.
We're bowling witha frozen turkey in the hallway...ur missing out
I flashed a party boat full of Asians yesterday, didn't I?
Tonight just try not to threaten to pee on the hot guys buying us drinks....please..
I'm looking for mother nature. And when I find her, I'm looking her right in the eyes and telling her to fuck off.
Just had a threesome. Girlfriend wasn't a part of it. Broke up with her by sending her a picture of it. Hell is going to be awesome
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
He fed me jello shota while i was sitting on the toilet and then he peed in the shower
so i was thinking... those 6 am shots weren't really needed.
If you needed to get laid tonight all you had to do was ask
Its like your face is a pile of corn and I'm a chicken
...What??
There's something sensual about taking off a pair of socks.
Randomize
