Herpes is a lot like Arnold Schwartzenneger. Because it always comes back. Also, because it is usually in some way in control of California.
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
letting you know, as a good neighbor, that when your windows open and your shade is up we can hear and see you dancing naked to money maker... nice boobs
She told me she was going to ride me so hard i would cum the ghosts of my ancestors...its gonna be a good time
You should've come to the party. It was like an identity parade of everyone you screwed last year.
Why are you surprised? I've only ever liked older guys since I was a 3 yr old crushing on her pediatrician.
For thanksgving we are only drinking wild turkey for the next 24hrs time to strap your balls back on and maybe a helmet
Ps we bought 8 pellet guns just now
we left when one of the guys tried to stick himself with an IV that he found
drunk in woodshop so don't even say "I SAWWW THIS COMING." I know you're thinking it.
Oh I know babe. You're shining beacon of adult responsibility. That's why I go down on you.
I go down on you because abs
I panicked i brought burritos. Funeral burritos
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
Found out my grandpa had two wives and found out I'm eligible for some internships 11/10 would do acid again.
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
Thought the acid was fake. Then my reflection didn't move when I did in the bathroom.
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