he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
Just met someone from Jersey. No fist pumps or jagerbombs. Kind of disappointed...
just left the emergency room. condom extraction.
I just finished washing your number off of my chest. I'm Bryan by the way.
The boys in front of me put beer, red plastic cups, ping pong balls, lighterfluid, and twelve packs of pantyhose on the conveyor belt. Whatever drinking game they're playing, I want a part in.
how opposed are you to picking me up at the bar at 11:00am?
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
I just can't have sex with a guy who has nicer eyebrows than me
I cannot be this high in this house. This house has so many of my secrets in its walls.
He started using my brother's rc helicopter as a beer delivery device. He's a drunk McGyver.
We bonded over the fact that we each, separately, got arrested on the same weekend.
I miss the "How many Grindr hits can I get while performing in an elementary school?" game.
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
I'm making a will, in it I'm leaving you my skull.
Um. I just realized I still have a beer in my purse from last night. I'm at work. I am so classy.
Randomize
