i get turned down more than a collar. where are the desperate bitches i need to crawl to them
I had sex on an exercise ball. The inevitable has occurred.
I never thought that taking apart multiple age 5 and under puzzles would be part of my house party clean up process.
Yeah, sorry about that. I just couldn't stop.
I gave him head and we watched Fashion Police. somehow it wasn't awkard.
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
doing an easter egg hunt in a liquor store right now. i feel so adult
Hahaha it was a great moment in my life. This must be what post child birth feels like, given you don't get a combined asshole/ vagina
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
(This is the second time ive been high enough to decide to run for office)
Are you in a good mood because I stuffed you with enchiladas, ice cream, penis, and cuddles last night?
He's driving 2 hours to visit me and he's bringing weed. I love him so much.
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
I had a rough night. I'm just gonna lay here and masturbate for a while before I have to go adult.
I was not drunk. There was Star Wars, sex, and baby oil.
Sorry. I was preoccupied thinking about penises
Randomize
