When are you freeeeeeeeee?
My phone auto corrected that to freeeeeeeeeedoooooooooom. That's kinda awesome.
this is two weekends in a row I've been the pantsless girl at the party. I love my social life.
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
when did my "fat clothes" just become my clothes...diet starts tomorrow
So when I got her home I realized being a lesbian again isn't like riding a bike...
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
I'm watching intervention which is getting me psyched for your birthday. Is that wrong?
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
Why the fuck is he under my phone as Papi Chulo?
Just walked in on him banging another girl. He told me " sorry but I'm gonna finish now that I'm caught" ...... I think this is the reason god gave me four older brothers....
There's no winning that game with me. It's either "Can I walk home at the end of the night," or "am I throwing up trying to sleep in the front yard." Rules are irrelevant.
If you buy me a steak I will make the extra effort to ride you. If not, I'm just gonna lay there.
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
I was cock-blocked by a swat team last night.
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
Randomize
