somehow on my way home with matt, I ended up straddling steve on the sidewalk and polling the people walking by on whether or not we should have sex.
don't read that magazine bro. I came in it
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
she looks like stephen colbert with that blond wig he was wearing last night.
We had sex this morning and after she goes, " So are we going to do something for Valentines Day?"
part of it is the fact that im problem drinking, and the other part is my OCD wont let me leave the bottle half-empty.
I really want to title the album "I want to make sex with your face" but I also want a job someday. Temptations, temptations.
i licked icing off his dick. in front of his sister.
he texted me at 3am asking for "one of my famous blowjobs"
I immediately knew he was tripping, he came over with a grocery bag of snow balls and a bike helmet on and asked if I was prepared to die for my country.
And one night I got way too drunk and thought he said call me a polish name so I called him Konrad. Now he thinks I cheated on him with a Konrad.
That's my new pick up line call me a polish name
I'm going to become fluent in fucking Belgian boys
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
These business classes have improved my drug business ten fold
If hypothetically I needed to puke on the bus... how would I go about doing this.
Randomize
