my grandma just informed me that patrick swayze used to babysit my dads cousins why wasn't i informed of this early...like when i was obsessed with dirty dancing!
I'm pissed I'm finding this out at 24 bc i could have used this material to make friends
You go to school with some of the ugliest girls I've ever seen... How are you not getting laid?
well seeing as i got a call at 5 am from the hotel manager telling me my cousin was passed out on the lobby floor...not good
He was in a gay KY jelly commercial. Jew male model. Reasons not to sleep with him. Go.
And there are taco shells on the ceiling fan
No, my body just knows its the weekend and wants to rage. Very different from alcoholism
A guy with no shirt on and a eyepatch just got out of the car beside me. After he slammed his door into mine. This is our hometown.
Road construction signs are deceptively heavy
And there might be a gallon of sangria without the lid on the floor in your room. Just be careful when you open the door.
Dont make this weird.... I was wondering if I could paper mache a few of your dildos this weekend?
I JUST DEFLATED MY BOOB.
I DON'T KNOW WHETHER TO LAUGH OR CALL AN AMBULANCE.
THAT FUCKER WASTED TWO OF MY COLORED CONDOMS! HE DIDN'T EVEN FUCKING FINISH IN IT HE JUST SLAPPED IT ON AND WASTED IT!
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
I feel like dick that good should always be within a five kilometre radius of me.
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
Randomize
