Damn. That makes sense
I know im like the sherlok holmes of sexual problems
"Tonight I'm turning swine flu into an std" this might be how zombies come about. Peace civilization.
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
Something about a hand job in a car doesn't scream girlfriend
Everything was good until you pulled the bartenders hair because she cut you off
do you remember yelling at the waitress that you were a power bottom?
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
We didn't have sex but he is somehow naked and laying on top of me. his dick is touching my leg and freaking me the fuck out.
Did you get an erection too during Paul Ryan's speech?
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
I fell in the river last night. The allegheny to be exact. Omg getting drunk at work gatherings is dangerous
All I want is to get as high as I did that time I started hallucinating that my brother was becoming a monkey and I saw my mum on every surface of your room.
Good friends go out of their way to crop dust your ex not once but twice. I knew we were friends for a reason
WE HAVE TO LEAVE. I HAVE HAD SEX WITH WAY TOO MANY PEOPLE IN THIS BUS STATION.
Randomize
