Fuck U Mike is a golden god.
Mike give steph back her phone.
so when she was in the shower, I took a pic of my dick with her phone and sent it to her brother saying, this just fucked your sister
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
Just don't have "pin the tail on the straight edge" as a party game... Please and thanks...
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
well in DOG beers, i've only had one
Don't make it weird, I don't think about you when I'm climaxing, it's just that I see you rooting me on.
There's a girl in the bathroom crying about something having to do with cream cheese.
'go have sex with her' ddoes not count as wingman
These girls just walked into this party as reverse cowgirls... Wearing cowboy clothes all backwards
Did he think I was flirting with him when I ordered a hot dog bc no
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
The first thing my Christmas gift money is buying is a dildo.
I know he’s married, but he’s still a guy with balls and a dick. He noticed my cleavage and stared at my ass. He’ll call.
Is it too early to start looking for freshmen penises to corrupt with our liquor and yoga pants?
I was just wondering the same thing! Gotta be any day now
Randomize
